I Showed My Behind…Twice

(For Ladies Only)

I’ve always had crazy things happen to me and I’ve never been shy about recounting them to others to enjoy a few laughs. After all, most of us can relate to each other’s embarrassing oversights, clumsy episodes, or silly incidents. And I thought if these crazy random things happen to me, I might as well use them to encourage or inspire others.

The tale is one of those truly embarrassing moments you share with your closest friends and giggle. And here I am sharing this one with all of you. Go figure. So that said, anyone not female should stop reading. This one is for LADIES ONLY.

We all know how some doctor visits can be awkward at best. There are some situations we find ourselves in that absolutely no reassuring small talk, larger sheet, or gossip magazine can improve. But this visit was simply one to the orthopedic clinic. Not so embarrassing, right? Um…

Before I left home for the appointment there was the dilemma of the appropriate undergarments. You see, it was my hip that was going to be looked at and that meant inspecting the area where the side of your undergarments would normally be. I figured panty lines on my hip would cause a tense situation when the doctor shifted said undergarment to examine the source of my pain. I certainly wanted to avoid any embarrassing shifting.

So I considered my options and chose to wear one of those undergarments that would eliminate the existence of panty lines. Yes, the thong.

At the doctor’s office, my name was called and the nurse calmly led me to the instrument of torture otherwise known as the scale. I politely indicated that I was quite familiar with my approximate weight and could save her the trouble. She smiled and reiterated my need to ascend the step of horror to be reminded of my addiction to cookies. I cited my patient rights. She told me I could go home. And that’s when I snapped. That poor woman is probably still scared.

That was the first time I showed my behind.

Escorted to a patient room with strangely padded walls, I waited in my elegant hospital gown with the world’s shortest ties and wisely selected undergarments. Seemingly hours later, the doctor finally entered the room to determine the cause of my hip issues. Stand up, sit down, lift leg, flex foot, lean this way, lean that way, lie on your side…. So far so good. I’m quite proud of my smart choice of underwear at this point.

Then, the doctor asked me to lie on my belly. With one broad sweeping motion, the doctor flipped open the gown …and there I was.

So, you can probably imagine the many shades of red I turned as I did not anticipate this little situation.

And that was the second time I showed my behind in the span of one doctor’s visit.

Just so you know, in the future I plan to make a different choice in undergarments for any appointment such as this. I also plan to introduce a bill in Congress requiring hospital gowns to have better ties and establishing a scale refusal law so patients will never be tortured again. I think a support group is in order too. But what I really need to remember is to be humble in difficult, trying, embarrassing situations. Rather than worrying about undergarments or numbers on a scale, it is more important to clothe myself in humility. Those times when someone or something makes me upset, the natural reaction is to snap, grumble etc. But we should submit to authority with a kind heart, show grace in even the most awkward situations and remember pride comes before the fall…or before you show your behind.

In the same way, you who are younger, submit yourselves to your elders. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”  1 Peter 5:5 (NIV)


 The highway of the upright avoids evil;
those who guard their ways preserve their lives.

 Pride goes before destruction,
a haughty spirit before a fall.

 Better to be lowly in spirit along with the oppressed
than to share plunder with the proud.

Proverbs 16:17-19 (NIV)


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