I’m sure you’re surprised that I don’t do exercise classes given my obvious athletic ability. But it’s true. I will not take a pilates class, a yoga class, a boxing class, or a trampoline jumping class. Not with a goat, Not on a boat. Not if it’s free or under a tree. Not if it’s hot or if we fought. Not in a chair, not on a stair. I will not take them here or there. I will not take them anywhere. I think you get my point.
There are many reasons why I will not take an exercise class of any sort. Some of which were discussed during recent coffee shop time with daughter Alaine. My DNA is alive and well in said daughter – an Orange Theory Fitness Coach and certified personal trainer. How’s that for a head-turning shocker? My DNA runs through her veins and she’s ALL about fitness, classes, exercising, sweat, pain, agony, etc.
Side note… In another plot twist, I did that DNA testing where they tell you what you’re likely to be good (or not good) at. The results said I have the “sprinter gene”. HA. must be locked away in a dark prison cell behind the “ain’t gonna do it gene” and the “she’s more the reading type” gene.
So many have tried to convince me to take some exercise class or another. I’ve won gift cards and promptly re gifted them. I don’t even understand what most of the options are. Did you know it took me an embarrassing amount of time to realize that spin classes had nothing to do with pottery? And isn’t yoga supposed to be relaxing? Then why do you offer it in a 110 degree room where goats jump on me? Listen, people. Even if you kidnapped me, dropped me off in a gym and paid me a thousand dollars to do one class, it’s still a no. Here’s why:
10 Reasons Why April Does Not Do Exercise Classes:
- Classes are PE you pay for. I didn’t like PE when it was free. I avoided it at all costs. Need to break a bone to avoid softball day? Done. (Another story for another day.)
- I can not be bossed around while sweaty. I’m not a happy person at that point and will not take orders. Just ask my former personal trainer, Patrick.
- My things don’t work like y’alls things. I may have been born with the sprinter gene, but my body doesn’t go that way.
- There are mirrors. Who wants to see self when sweaty and bending in that direction?
- There are other people there. Don’t speak to me Freida. I’m still sweaty.
- There are no Exercise Classes for Dummies. I used a machine wrong for an entire year until I discovered it wasn’t for arms.
- You can only hide in the bathroom for so long before they come looking for you. I set the record back in ‘95.
- I have stage fright. If you’re the last to finish, they will all be watching. Can all y’all just turn around and face that way for a second? <April runs out door.>
- They don’t have EMTs on site. I get hurt walking. It’s too risky.
- Trainers/coaches are secretly trying to kill you. I’m convinced. Don’t @ me.
I bet I could come up with 99 more reasons. Not sure coach daughter Alaine is convinced yet, but she will learn soon. And if it helps you, feel free to steal some of my reasons to support your own case. If you have some good ones, share and help a sista out.
As for going to an OTF studio? The only reason I’m going is to be her one person cheering section while she’s on the mic. That I can do very well. I’ll even make signs. Speaking of signs if you need help while in a class, look for me in the window. I take my role seriously and I will save you.